“Hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.”
Edith. B. Orday
Etiquette of Today
Author: Edith B. Orday Published: 1918
Personality
Family Etiquette
Conversation and Correspondence
Casual Meetings and Calls
The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation
Behavior in Public
The Art of Being a Guest
Duties of Host and Hostess
Duties of the Chaperon
Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement
The Conduct of a Wedding
Etiquette for Children
Etiquette of Mourning
Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette
CHAPTER XII
THE CONDUCT OF A WEDDING
IN cities at present the most fashionable hour for the ceremony is "high noon," following the English custom, and in remembrance of the long-standing tradition which placed the wedding early in the day, before the night's fast had been broken.
The afternoon is a suitable time, as it enables friends to gather more conveniently from the distance, and as the reception with refreshments is much more easily arranged for than is a breakfast. For an afternoon wedding, three o'clock is the proper hour in the winter, four o'clock in the summer.
The evening was at one period the fashionable time, and it still retains its popularity and long will among the middle class of people and in the country, because a larger gathering of friends can be expected at that time, as all are free from business and household cares.
The Church Wedding
For the church wedding special arrangements must be made for the seating of the guests. A certain number of pews in the center front of the church are reserved for the families and intimate friends of the bride and bridegroom. The reservation is indicated by a broad white ribbon barrier across the aisle, or a garland of flowers. The family of the bride is seated on one side of the aisle, and that of the bridegroom on the other.
The ushers should be at the church at least a half-hour before the guests begin to arrive. They wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers like those used in the decorations of the church, which are sent them there by the florist.
In seating the guests they should take great care to seat in the reserved space only those whose names are on the list given them as belonging there. Therefore, they ask the name of each guest whom they do not know before assigning him his seat. Sometimes, however, each of these special guests is provided with a card which he gives to the usher.
When a gentleman and lady enter the church together, the usher offers his right arm to the lady, and the gentleman follows them as they proceed down the aisle. When several ladies arrive together, the usher offers his arm to the eldest, and requests the others to follow as he conducts her to her seat.
Each usher asks of each guest whether he is friend of the bride or bridegroom, and seats him accordingly, upon the left of the church if a friend of the bride, upon the right if a friend of the groom. In case the bridegroom is from the distance, and therefore there are few of his friends present, this custom is not followed.
Immediately before the bridal party appears, the mother of the bride is escorted by the head usher to a seat in the front pew. Any sisters or brothers of the bride who may not be in the bridal procession enter with their mother.
Meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering, the bridesmaids going to the home of the bride and there receiving from her their bouquets, which are the gift of the bridegroom. Thence they take carriages to the church, where they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony. When the first carriage arrives, containing two of the bridesmaids,--as the carriage of the bride and her father is the last,--the head usher closes the inner vestibule door, and the other ushers see that all entrance at side doors is barred. When the bride arrives the outer street doors are closed, and the procession forms. Two of the ushers have already carried the broad white ribbon down the sides of the main aisle, thus shutting in the pews, and have taken down the ribbon barrier across it.
The bridegroom and his best man have come in a carriage by themselves and entered the church by the vestry door. They and the clergyman await the notice of the bride's arrival.
The organist, who has been playing appropriate selections while the guests were assembling, begins on the wedding march as the doors to the church are thrown open in signal that all is in readiness. The audience rises. The clergyman takes his place, and the bridgegroom and best man enter, the former standing at the clergyman's left, the latter just behind the bridegroom, who is facing the aisle down which the bride will come.
First come the ushers, two and two, keeping pace with the time of the music, which is a stately, dignified march. The bridesmaids follow, also two and two, with about six feet of space between each couple. The maid of honor alone, or the maid and matron of honor together, then come. The flower girl, or flower children follow, scattering flowers from a basket hung upon the left arm.
Then come the bride and her father, or nearest male relative, she with downcast eyes and leaning upon his right arm.
The procession divides as it reaches a spot opposite the place where the bride and bridegroom are to stand, or, in an Episcopal church, the top of the chancel steps; half go to the right and half to the left. The bridesmaids stand between the ushers, all being grouped in a semicircle. The maid of honor stands at the left, in front of the bridesmaids and near the bride.
The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, who leaves her father and takes the bridegroom's hand, then accepts his left arm and is escorted by him to a position in front of the clergyman. The couple kneel for a moment before the ceremony begins.
At the place in the ceremony where the question is asked, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who has been standing a few feet back, advances and places the bride's right hand in that of the clergyman, who places it in the right hand of the bridegroom. The father then takes his seat in the front pew with his wife, whom, as they leave the church, he escorts.
Should a widowed mother be the only one to respond to this inquiry, she simply rises from her seat and bows. In such a case the bridegroom usually enters with the bride, and the procession is less elaborate.
When the troth is being plighted and the ring is about to be given, the best man hands it to the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride. She hands it to the clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom. Then the latter places it upon the third finger of the bride's left hand. The significance of the passing of the ring is that it completes a circle, the symbol of eternity, of which the clergyman is one, thus symbolizing the sanction of the church.
After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the newly wedded couple, and the bride takes the right arm of her husband, walking thus down the aisle, the bridal party following in reverse order, the ushers therefore last. Even at a stately church ceremonial it has been known for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before passing down the aisle.
The duties of the maid of honor during the service are to take from the bride her glove and bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and bridegroom to join hands. Then it is her care to remove the veil from before the face of the bride when the ceremony is over, and to turn the train of her gown that it may fall rightly as she passes up the aisle.
Occasionally when there are two main aisles to the church, the bridal procession enters on the one amid the friends of the bride, and returns on that amid the friends of the groom, to signify that the bride has now become one of them.
The best man follows the clergyman to the vestry, hands him the fee, if the groom had not before done so, and passes down the side aisle to signal for the bridal carriage, and to give the bridegroom his hat and coat. He then goes to the bride's house, where he assists the ushers in introducing the guests to the pair.
The organist starts up a very joyous march at the conclusion of the ceremony, and continues playing while the guests are dispersing.
Following the bridal procession the families and intimate friends of the couple pass out before the audience, as the ribbon barriers which reserve the aisle are not taken down until all have passed out. If the reception is at the home, this gives the bridal party time to enter the carriages; if the reception is in the church parlors, it gives time for them to take their places in the receiving line.
At the bride's home there is now time, before the guests arrive, for all of the bridal party to congratulate and felicitate the bride and bridegroom, and also to sign after them the register of the marriage, which is in the care of the best man. This is usually in the form of a book bound in white, with the initials of the bride and bridegroom embossed upon it, and opportunity is usually given for the wedding guests to add their signatures also.
The bride's mother, who is the real hostess of the occasion, stands near the entrance of the room in which the reception is held. In a receiving line at the head of the room stand the bride and bridegroom with half of the bridesmaids ranged on the bride's right and the other half on the groom's left. The parents of the groom stand near and the father of the bride with them or with his wife, as host. The ushers present the guests to the bride and bridegroom, and then to their parents, as guests of honor. A few words of congratulation to the bridegroom and of best wishes to the bride are all that the few moments possible for each guest permit. The bride offers her hand to each guest, and presents to her husband her friends, as he does his to her.
The Home Wedding
The home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church wedding, and is much more simple, its privacy appealing to many. The house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great profusion. Usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected at the head of the drawing-room. This should not be too massive, as only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement which is too crowded or shaded.
As the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them. The father of the bride does not appear, nor, of course, does the bride, until they enter together. A room is placed at the disposal of the bridegroom, the best man, and the clergyman.
At the stroke of the hour appointed, the clergyman enters and takes his stand facing the company. The bridegroom and best man also enter and stand at the left of the clergyman, the best man somewhat behind. As in a church wedding, the broad white ribbon is used to mark the aisle. If bouquets are attached to the ends of it, they will hold it in place.
Then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal procession, formed as for a church wedding.
At a simple house wedding there are often no attendants, the bride and bridegroom entering the room together, the bride's father having taken his position near at hand, where he can readily respond at the right moment.
Another way of forming the procession, which has all the advantages of the more elaborate one, is for the best man to follow the ushers, then the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and bridegroom.
Music is often dispensed with at a home wedding.
When the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and withdraws, and they, turning, face their friends, who then come to wish them happiness.
Whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church, the bridal pageant has only one object in view,--it is wholly for the sake of the bridegroom. Every woman desires to come to her husband in all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position. By all custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day until she approaches him as he stands at the altar. So, with her family doing her the utmost honor that they can, she comes to him, bringing all that she has and is, and placing herself and her future in his care. The coming is just as real, however, though the utmost simplicity prevail.
Back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism. With the constant elevation of the standards of marriage, this symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the ideals. Just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage ceremony is uniting loving hearts, so little by little all that is at variance with that thought will drop away, as have already several minor details, and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new ideals take the place of the old. These changes, however, come very gradually, and should not be hastened, but should only keep pace with the new conceptions. Nevertheless, there should not be too tenacious a clinging to the old forms, which expressed lower conceptions, when the masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of marriage.
The Wedding Breakfast
The wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which follow the noon wedding. It is usually given when there are but few relatives and intimate friends, because it is an expensive feast if large numbers are invited. It is really a dinner, served in courses, at numerous small tables, each with a complete dinner service. One large table, placed in the center of the room or elsewhere conspicuously, is reserved for the bridal party.
The menu usually consists of "fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or lobster in some fancy form, an entrée, birds and salad, ices, cakes, bonbons, and coffee," according to one recognized authority. Or it may be much simpler, and include only oysters or bouillon, sandwiches and salad, ices, cakes, and coffee.
Usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and bridegroom. If wine is used, champagne is customary for weddings.
The caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding feast, even to china, linen, silver, candelabra, and flowers, should the bride's parents so wish.
At the wedding reception, after the congratulations and greetings are over, and the breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the dining-room. Then comes the bride's father with the groom's mother. The bridegroom's father follows with some member of the bride's family, then come the best man and the maid of honor. The ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and other members of the bridal party or of the two families follow in pairs. Lastly, as hostess of the occasion, comes the bride's mother, with the officiating clergyman, or the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen, if there be more than one, as guest of honor.
The rest of the guests, who are not seated at the bridal table, find their seats as they choose, with friends, no place cards being used.
For an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as for any reception. A large table in the dining-room is decorated with flowers and piled with the edibles, which are served by the waiters to the guests as they enter. The variety of food depends wholly upon the resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the wedding. Many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a meal, and a dinner is not to be served.
When the bride and bridegroom enter and are served, the best man proposes a toast to their health and happiness, and all present stand, glass in hand, and pledge them.
At a wedding breakfast the English custom is to have toasts and speeches, but it is not followed largely in this country. Where it is, usually at a small wedding party, the father of the bridegroom or the best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom. The father of the bride responds. Sometimes the bridegroom is called on to respond to this toast, which he does, proposing in turn the health of the bridesmaids. To this the best man responds.
The wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake, which is at its best only when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered. This is finely frosted and ornamented.
At the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before the bride, who cuts the first slice from it. It is then passed to the others.
At a large wedding, where no breakfast is served, the wedding cake is usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes, which are decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied with white ribbon. These are placed upon a table in the hall near the door and the guests either each take one as he leaves, or one is handed him by a servant.
Sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and sealed, to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary.
The wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake, which may be served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more before the wedding, and in which a thimble, a coin, and a ring are hidden. The superstition is that the young women who by chance receive the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of single blessedness, wealth, or domestic bliss.
At a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the bridal couple go to the dining-room. As soon as refreshments are served them, and the toast to them has been drunk, they retire to don suits for traveling. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of the staircase, and the bridesmaids gather there too, as when she comes, she throws her bridal bouquet among them, and the bridesmaid who catches it will be the next bride, according to an old superstition.
As the outer door is opened to let the couple out, all the friends and relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them, for good luck, and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as they drive off. The custom of thus showering the departing couple has been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it. Rice is somewhat dangerous, and confetti is so distinctive as frequently to cause embarrassment when in a public train or station. Flowers may appropriately be used, and are always at hand in the decorations of the home.
The Wedding Journey
The wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair, and the knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best man, who probably helps arrange for it, and to the father and mother of the bride, and they all are silent about it. The intrusion of even intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form.
The custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed as it used to be, many young couples preferring to go direct to their new home, or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon.
The real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time, because they are now more free from social obligations than they will be later, and a wise start upon married life is of all things most desirable and necessary.
Wedding Fee
The fee should be placed in an envelope or purse, and given to the clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom, just before or just after the ceremony, as may be most convenient. It is sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar. It should be always given quietly, privately, and with no display or comment.
The clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it, other than indicating his acceptance.
The size of the fee is a matter of individual taste. Because it is unostentatiously given, its size is known only to the bridegroom and the clergyman, and to none others unless they wish to tell. There are some people in fashionable circles who employ a minister only at marriages and funerals, and who labor under the impression that they are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always thankfully received. No one thing so denotes the degree of real refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying him. The clergyman is one of the three principals in the marriage ceremony. The great majority of brides desire that their marriage should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with which they worship, or which has standing in their community and among their people. At the very least, in the civil marriage, without a third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible. The third principal is therefore an important part of the affair. To treat him shabbily in any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence. So it is that the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him, if his means permit it, as he is to give to his bride something which shall delight and please her, and which shall symbolize his appreciation of the gift of herself. The bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is indeed the touchstone of his refinement. Wedding fees vary from five to a thousand dollars, the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for the fairly affluent.
Wedding Presents
So extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the correct thing, that a perfunctory service, or gift, or courtesy has no intrinsic value, and the omission of it would often be far more satisfactory than its bestowal.
The usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for the new house. Silver, linen, cut glass, or china for the dining-room, furniture, rugs, lamps, clocks, vases, books, and pictures, or bric-a-brac for the rest of the house, are all appropriate.
If silver is given, it should not be marked, as the bride may have duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others, or as she may have a special form of engraving which she prefers. The exchange of a gift, however, removes from it the personal thought of the giver, and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly interest. If, however, such exchange is made at the suggestion or with the approval of the giver, it still remains a personal gift. The indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their friends, following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable, has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very first.
The wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit, something expressive of the giver's good wishes, and something which the bride and bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them. Foolish things, whether expensive or not, have no real utility or beauty, and have always the atmosphere of insult about them, or else always reflect upon the intelligence of the giver.
A bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received, and before her wedding day if possible. Spontaneous rather than stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable. They should show appreciation of the gift, and include the name of the bridegroom-elect in her expression of their gratitude. A bride should remember that too elaborate notes, which are a grave tax on her strength or time in the busy days preceding a wedding, are unwise, as is any other unnecessary expenditure of energy.
It is never obligatory to send a wedding present. The wedding announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such gifts, for in either case, whether one is invited to the ceremony or not, one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a gift.
The Country Wedding
There is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door wedding in the country, for those who desire to get rid of the conventional and artificial. Such a wedding is, of course, a day wedding. The late afternoon might be chosen, but the twilight never. The weather must be warm.
A secluded corner in the garden, the shade of some stately tree on the lawn, or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive chancels for the ceremony.
The grass should be cut close, and all leaves and débris swept away.
Somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony, but still on the lawn or piazza, small tables and chairs may be placed in groups, and refreshments served out of doors also.
The simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a country church appeal to many. There much of the formality of a city church wedding may be dispensed with, and yet the whole of the religious spirit, which should attend a church wedding, and indeed any wedding, be retained. The country church lends itself more aptly to those private weddings where the bridal party, whether small or large, are the only spectators, than does the large city church. The sense of exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and emptiness.
To many the private church wedding appeals with great force. The religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized, without the pomp and display of the public service. Such a wedding usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening.
2011 © Church Growth Associates, Inc.
